How to Support Someone Coming Out

Everyone holds multiple identities. Identifies are important because they shape people and their perception of the world. These identities include race, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic status, age, and more. Everyone wants to share identities and part of themselves with others, but for some, this experience can cause many different feelings.

Coming out as LGBTQIA+ can be a terrifying yet liberating time. Members of the LBGTQIA+ community may be more hesitant in sharing identities of gender and sexual orientation with loved ones due to the fear of being rejected or not supported. Rejection and discrimination stemming from differing opinions on identities can foster increased mental health struggled and rates of suicidal ideation for members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

If a friend, family member, or coworker comes out to you to share about this experience, it is because they trust you and want to share this part of themselves with you. During this time, show them love and support, while they share about their sexuality experiences. These mental health challenges are largely caused by discrimination, rejection, and the fear of rejection. In order to change these statistics, we must provide support to our loved ones who come out as LBGTQ+.

The Dos and Don’ts of supporting

Do:

- Listen

Listening and lending an empathetic ear may seem simple, yet it may be the most effective thing to do when a loved one is coming out as LBGTQ+. Whether your loved one is willing to share blips of their experience or the whole narrative about their disclosure, either way it is important to be attentive to their story. Hear them first, before engaging and reacting.

- Reaffirm and validate

During this time, you may feel unsure about how the relationship between you and your loved one will proceed or look moving forward. Assure them that the news of coming out does not change how you feel about them. Validate the foundation of the relationship and open up about the commitment of friendship or partnership moving forward. Help them feel safe and accepted in your presence.

- Ask to ask and tell

Asking questions, being curious, and wanting to know more is natural and shows acceptance; however, this stance can be overwhelming early on. Ask your loved on if they are open for questions. They might not feel ready to unpack and explain their thoughts and feelings right away. If not in the moment, give them an opportunity to circle back to the conversation. This shows them your investment and support. Allow them to set boundaries and follow their lead.

- Educate yourself

Gender and sexual identities exist on a spectrum. While some identifies may be fixed, using labels, and easy to understand by putting them in a box, sexual and gender identities do not have the same luxuries. If your loved on identities with something you are unsure about, do some research. Be open. Be prepared to adopt different approaches.

- Be prepared to make mistakes

Be patient. Be patient with yourself and with you loved one coming out. Identity identification involved U-turns, reflection, changes, processing, and growth.

Don’t:

- Barge in

After someone invites you into their life in a deeper way, such as the experiences involving identity identification, it is easy to get carried away and overly involved. Be careful with the information given. Treat the information as someone else’s, not as your own. This will prevent outing someone. Outing someone can be well-intentioned and occur by mistake and can result in altering your relationship with them. Commit to supporting them on their terms and respect their boundaries. Follow their lead.

- Overthink it

When a loved one comes out to you, it is likely that some awkward interactions will be exchanged. Commit to working through miscommunications with mutual respect and acceptance. Empathetic support will go a long way.

- Assume too much

Try not to assume anything about your loved ones experiences. Try not to assume you know exactly what they are going through or feeling. Try not to assume that you are the perfect ally and advocate. Try not to assume that they are ready to come out to everyone, or that you are the first person they came out to. Listen with an open mind and genuine interest. Follow their lead.