Gottman’s Four Horsemen and Positive Alternatives

Relationships are fluid, constantly changing, messy things while simultaneously being rewarding. All relationships include doses of conflict. They key to healthy conflict management in relationships is not to avoid, but to embrace and resolve relationship issues to bring closeness and growth.

Dr. John and Julie Gottman from the Gottman Institute, discovered four negative behaviors or communication patterns, called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” that spell disaster for any relationship. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your interactions with your partner is a necessary first step to eliminating dysfunctional communication and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns. The Four Horsemen include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman’s research has shown with over 90% accuracy that these behaviors are a highly accurate predictor of divorce or separation. It is important to identify these communication patterns and apply the recommended solutions, to build your relationship instead of tearing it down.

Criticism

The first horseman is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The dysfunction of a criticism lies with attacking your partner at the core of their character, identity, or personality. When criticizing in this way, you are dismantling their whole being, which can make your partner feel attacked, rejected, and hurt. Criticism is the gateway horseman, as it creates increased vulnerability to the other three horsemen.

Difference between expressing complaint and criticizing:

Complaint: “I was worried when you were running late, and I didn’t hear from you. I thought we had agreed that we would communicate.”

Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior affects mee. You’re so selfish. You never think about anyone but yourself.”

Solution: Use a gentle startup

To counteract criticism, incorporate the use of feelings or emotion based statements in conjunction with “I statements”. This approach focuses the conversation on your needs rather than your partner’s fault. By expressing a constructive and specific need, your partner is given the opportunity to fill that need.

Example:

Criticism: “you’re so inconsiderate!”

“I” statement: “I was worried because I didn’t hear from you. I would appreciate if you texted me next time your running late”.

Defensiveness

The second horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness occurs when youre feeling attacked by your partner, focusing the conversation on self-protection and portraying self from an innocent victim role. When neither partner accepts any responsibility for the circumstance, defensiveness results in blaming your partner for the situation while inserting yourself into a innocent victim role with righteous indignation.

Solution: Taking responsibility for your feelings

To counteract defensiveness, take the healthier route of communication by accepting some degree of responsibility for your part in the conflict, even if it’s only a small portion. If you both take responsibility for your own feelings, the conflict becomes about solving the problem together instead of combating each other.

Example:

Defensiveness: “I was not ignoring you! Don’t accuse me of that.”

Reasonability: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you from the other room. I could have come out of the room to hear you better.”

Gottman’s research discovered that the magic ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1, meaning that 5 positive interactions are recommended to counteract every 1 negative interaction.

Stonewalling

The third horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when you withdraw from a conversation and refuse to engage. The. Intention behind stonewalling is to avoid conflict and create a sense of distance and separation. Stonewalling usually happens gradually after the other horsemen are already active in your relationship or current conversation.

Stonewalling is a common response to emotional flooding during a conflict discussion. Emotional flooding occurs when you feel emotionally overwhelmed, due to stress hormones released as a physiological response to escalating tension with your partner.

Solution: Practice physiological self-soothing

To counteract stonewalling, taking a “time-out” or stepping away from the conversation to self-sooth can help regulate your philological state, to prepare to re-engage and address the conflict from a regulated state. Self-soothing activities could include listening to music, stretching your muscles, getting some fresh air, changing the scenery, or taking a shower.

Example:

Stonewalling: “just forget it.”

Self-soothing: “I need to take a break from this conversation. I’m going to go and do [self-soothing activity], lets check in again at [time].”

It’s important to communicate your plan to self-sooth and time to return and re-engage in the conversation, to prevent your partner feeling that you are abandoning the issue. This verbalization of the self-soothing plan may encourage your partner to do something similar in the time spent apart from the conversation.

Contempt

The fourth and final horseman is contempt, which is the most devastating to relationships.

Contempt is the feeling of superiority regarding self, in which you regard your partner as mean, vile, or worthless. When acting with contempt, one partner attacks the other partner’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse, sometimes from a place of disgust or to create intentional emotional harm. Contempt often grows from longstanding negative thoughts about a partner or longstanding unresolves issues. The presence and frequency of contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Solution: Build a culture of appreciation

To counteract contempt, treat each other and the relationship with respect. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and express genuine gratitude. Reversing contempt takes time, but it is crucial to remember that appreciation fosters positive feelings toward your partner instead of festering negativity in the relationship dynamic.

Examples:

Contempt: “You’re such an idiot, how dumb!”

Appreciation: “Thank you for trying. I appreciate your help.”

The takeaway:

Conflict is normal and a healthy component of relationships. The ways in which you manage conflict in relationships has a significant impact on the success of your relationship. When the Four Horsemen enter communication patterns or conflict dialogues, serious problems may result if action does not take place immediately. These problems have potential to destruct relationship, so it is essential to be aware of them and work to counteract them.